even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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