My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
