dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
