Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
