I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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