Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Randomize
