My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
