Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
