i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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