she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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