I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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