If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
