You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize