you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
