Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
