god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
