i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
