I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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