Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
