how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
