If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize