My friends, they love my intelligence
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
