apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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