i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
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