I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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