It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
