I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
