Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize