MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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