someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
