the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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