Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
This is my gift to your gina
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
