It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
