my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
