He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
