before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
