A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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