I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Randomize
