Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
a search helicopter?!
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
