Kiss
Puke
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
