Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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