i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
