I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
