i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize