Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize