Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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