I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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