We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Fuck appropriateness.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Houston, we have a squirter
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
