i'm signing you up for texting rehab
You can't special order awesome
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
