fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
