Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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