I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
