Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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