got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
It's official drugs can't kill me
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
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