Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
