I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
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