my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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