when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
