On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
