You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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