I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I don't deserve a penis
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
