While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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