I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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