i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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