I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
