he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
